Carmen’s Chatter

1) NOT tuck my new Samsung Mythic under my arm while I stand in Walgreen’s clutching three different after-sun lotions for my daughter at 11:45 at night because . . . the nice black gel case on it that slips off so easily will slip off so easily when I forget to remind myself that my Samsung Mythic is under my arm as I reach out to open my purse and pull out my wallet, releasing the phone so gently that I am able to watch it freefall and bluntly collide with the floor, as the gel case on it slips off so easily and rolls across to the shampoo side of the aisle.

2) NOT be a cheapskate and keep using my old phone as it dies in stages, more specifically, as its speaker starts fading on me over a period of many months, followed by an additional month or two of long, unpredictable stretches of its cutting out on me because . . . a) the gradual fading of the speaker will first worry me for weeks as I think my hearing is going and b) the long, unpredictable stretches of the speaker’s cutting out on me will make all of my calls arduous and interminable because I have to bat the phone against my hand to make the speaker wire (I’m guessing here) reconnect so that I can hear the caller and because I have to make so many call-backs when the speaker goes out for minutes.

3) NOT drop my phone on the ground/floor/etc. so often because doing so can likely make a speaker wire (or other stuck-down things) come loose, hindering my phone’s ability to connect me with the world. Please see 1) and 2).

4) NOT believe the GPS when it contradicts commonsense. If I need to be heading north on I-85, I will not take I-85 south just because the lady in my GPS said so.

5) NOT run backwards up any hills (even though a friend told me it would stretch muscles in my legs that would not be stretched while running WITH MY HEAD FORWARD SO I COULD SEE WHERE I WAS GOING) because I prefer not to go to the ER if I can avoid it.

6) NOT carefully place a hot Coke can in the freezer, even though it is a boiling summer day—when the metal in seat belts burns and chocolate bars melt during the thirty-second walk from Kroger’s exterior doors to my Honda Accord—because . . . in the dark of night when people are meant to be sleeping I might hear an explosion and raise my head groggily off the pillow to ask, Was that a car backfiring? Was that a gunshot? Then I might sleep again and wake in the morning and go about the usual day, and several nights later before I go to bed I might open the freezer door to find a Coke can someone has shot straight through, all jagged edges of metal, while all of its contents are spattered in my freezer like frozen brown rain.

7) NOT place anything on the top of my car before I climb in and drive somewhere because . . . a) that’s a good way to learn how to wonder as one speeds down a four-lane highway: Whose newspaper is flapping against my back window? before its gray bulk separates into thin sheets and litters the road behind me, and b) it’s a good way to learn what forgetfulness means when one sees a blue purse (Whose blue purse?) fall onto the back window also and flop onto the road behind me; and, finally, c) it’s an unforgettable way to learn how fast I can stop, park, run back up the highway’s edge, and dash across three lanes to get my purse, if not the newspaper, before running back.

NOT ever forget to send those I most love flowers.

9) NOT forget that I’m loved and by whom.

10) NOT not-remind-myself-on-a-regular-basis of how delicious and how creamy and how totally cold McDonald’s chocolate shakes can be.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 9th, 2010 at 10:41 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.